I almost didn’t go for a walk today. It was late and I didn’t have a specific destination. The pain in my foot said “stay in..stay on the sofa and relax,” but I made a promise to myself to get out and walk each day, even if it’s only a few blocks. I’m still a little nervous crossing avenues and two-way streets since I’m a bit slow and have to get my timing down to perfection as to not to have to compete with the blinking and changing traffic lights. Factor in cars, trucks, bikes, buses, skateboarders, pedestrians, pets, etc…well I’m sure you get it.
Allora, despite the voices of doubt and tiredness in my head, I pushed myself out the door. I only did a roundabout to/from 23rd street along the two avenues closest to me. As I reached my corner, I remembered what Dr. B (my physical therapist) said to me the other day, “start walking on your block without the cane. Just one block at a time.” And so I stopped to take a moment and tucked the cane under my arm. With some trepidation I took my first un-assisted steps outdoors since December 18th!
I’m sure the people passing by had no clue of the momentous occasion that was occurring right before their very eyes. But for me, it was an explosion of thrill and excitement and admittedly I was giggling.
As I continued, slowly and precariously, up the street I had a vision of being a baby and my Mother so lovingly teaching me how to walk for the first time. I thought of how I wobbled along, putting one foot in front of the other, and the next step and the next. And in that moment I felt as if I was learning to walk all over again. I noticed my hips moving differently, my gait not quite the same, obviously the speed very different from my normal rushing about and in and out. This gentle cadence is my current new norm, slowing me down, teaching me patience, viewing my immediate world in new ways.
I had this moment of gratitude wash over me for my Mom, who taught me all of my life’s early lessons…all the basics. And in that moment, I longed for that little girl who had everything fresh to look forward to in life. Not in a sad and longing sense, but for that inquisitive, adventurous, determined and courageous little being who knew no fear, no pain, no injury or disease. I thought, can I recreate those sensations in me today? Can I learn to walk again from scratch, bringing along all that I’ve experienced, especially in the last few years? Can I learn a new way to walk, a new direction to take, not tainted by it all?
I’ve missed PatriciaG’s Blog, and I’ve missed writing and photographing in ways to convey my message. I haven’t written in a while because I’ve felt that I had lost my voice. I’ve been unsure about the direction I should take. And so I just stopped. I stopped to figure it out. But in taking my ‘first steps’ today I realized I can’t figure it out this way - not from a blank page and not from a place of inaction. I need to proceed from a place of vulnerability and willingness to not know which direction to take. The nuggets are in there. They are in the sharing, because not only do I need to write this, but maybe someone needs to read it.
I always use ‘baby steps’ in dealing with life’s difficulties..in losing those I love I’ve always said I was taking baby steps to heal; in dealing with my own health issues I’ve used the baby steps analogy; and in talking with people I care about, advising those same baby steps to them as well. But I think it was only until today that I realized just how significant, inspiring and provocatively life-altering those ‘baby steps’ can be.
And if I am learning to walk anew what else is there to look at with a fresh eye? What else needs to be learned anew?
Big Love, PatriciaG
